© Jade Rita Taylor
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jade Rita Taylor and www.jadetaylorcreativecounselling.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
My experience as an autistic person trying to navigate the working world.
As a counsellor, I often hear similar stories shared by those of us who are autistic. Stories of misunderstanding (Camus et al., 2022; Crompton et al., 2021), bullying (Cooper & Mujtaba, 2022; Pryke-Hobbes et al., 2023; Romualdez et al., 2021), and a lack of understanding and acceptance within the workplace (Thorpe et al., 2024). These stories are often accompanied by overarching social pressure and expectation to be in work (Taylor, 2021). However, most of those who are creatives, who follow their alternative interests, are self-employed and also autistic (Minot, 2021; Steward, 2021); unfortunately, it is also being expressed that self-employment feels the only option (Palmer, 2024).
My own experience as an employee in mainstream work has caused so much trauma that I have had to work through and process. But I continue to still hold some internalised beliefs about myself as unlikable. Especially when being naturally honest. No, not arrogant or rude or ‘too confident’, just honest about my strengths and limitations. The experiences and misunderstandings caused shame, guilt, anxiety and a loss of self-understanding and compassion. As a teenager recovering from academic burnout, like most ADHD people (but that’s an exploration for another time), it took me years of navigating how to enter the working world. But finally at 19, after a string of dead-end jobs, where I was either groomed or it was so demanding it was impossible for me to continue, I found a job where I could help people and make a change. I loved the children I supported, but it was fraught with social dynamics, an alien environment and a lack of safety to explore any professional uncertainties or how to navigate the social circus. From the get-go, I was bullied by management. I never understood why; I did what they asked of me; I followed the rules and would get my head down, hyperfocus and work hard. Why I was hated, I am still unsure. I was eventually forced to leave, with my colleagues even pointing out I was being bullied. At that time, I had the luxury of it being my first real job, so I had not yet been ground down by then; their perceptions, fortunately, bounced off my somewhat strong sense of self, but it was the beginning of what I was destined to become. As many I know can relate – hence the reason for creating this blog.
Like so many other autistics, my self-worth got worn down through trying to survive the working world. Including such incidents of either being groomed by older males in power (definitely another post – which I do think many of you will already be nodding along to), because I am trusting and unaware: to an organisation telling me my qualification did not count (the required level 3 diploma I had taken two years to complete and had acquired the year before), and so I was paid £4k a year below what I should have been throughout my duration working there. Why? Because I believed them. Why would management, the people I am told to trust to format and enforce the rules, lie and take advantage of me? When they told me I wasn’t good enough and would ridicule me in front of other staff, I started to believe it was me, even though, again, I worked hard, followed the rules and got everything and more done. As an autistic person, it would not cross my mind that they would take advantage, and we have to recognise my natural instincts to trust people being an autistic person. As we know, sometimes, being caught in an interaction we had not practised for or envisaged happening: especially one of which could end in (what we perceive to be) confrontation or us needing to manage our own emotionally heightened state, we shut down. Either entering fight, flight, freeze, fawn mode (for me, becoming agreeable, angry, or both) – purely because we need processing time to gain an insight into how we feel and how we want to respond. The downside of this is that we get misjudged as weak or vulnerable, and the predatory behaviour in some would take advantage and we would lose confidence. Heartbreaking – but true. Again, we start to internalise our anger towards ourselves for ‘not saying something’, ‘not standing up for ourselves’, and ‘allowing it to happen’, when actually we have a processing difference, and we trust that people are how they portray themselves. It is not us who are a problem, even though we can be carefully crafted as being one by the opportunistic and uninformed.
Of course, I had burnout. As most Autistic and ADHD people do throughout their working careers. Whether working too hard and for too long because we can (ADHD – but that is also another post), or because the constant misunderstanding, judgement and exhausting navigation of the social expectations and demands became too much. If you are autistic, I know you are resonating right now.
Throughout my career, I have had the (common reoccurring) messages that I am ‘arrogant, rude, ridged, intense, mean, fun-sponge’. Why? Because I do my job, and actually, undeniably, I do it well. I do, and this is ok to say. But even having positive beliefs about the things I do well gets challenged as not being ok to say. Even the other day, I was scoffed at for being too confident when I said I was good at something (specific). But I am. I’m not trying to be competitive; I’m not putting you down; I’m not saying I am great at everything; I am just saying that I am good at this particular thing. It really does seem people prefer you to be self-deprecating. Because work can mostly provide me with a set of rules, and because I am autistic, I follow them, and this has helped my confidence when I reflect on whether I am succeeding. But I can’t do this with people. People are, of course, unpredictable, and society seems to not like honesty, so it’s hard to know if someone is being honest. But following the organisational rules and expectations means I have been disliked as a person, and so, like many other autistic employees, I would get confused with these judgements, as I knew they were so far beyond who I am. Where I cognitively accept the fact I have not been liked, I cannot deny that after over 25 years of the same message, which is based on misunderstanding and judgement, I have had to undo the internalisation of this as truth. My internalised (learnt) truth is I won’t be liked, and hearing that I am, is met with an inner critical and suspecting voice. Because, as I have learnt, people are expected not to tell the truth.
I have been told that I am arrogant by someone I thought liked me, and I have desperately tried to explain to them that actually I am very anxious and I do not believe I am better in any way – it would confuse me how people are judging me so wrong. Why? because again, I follow the rules, and I advocate for the rules as an absolute. I do not understand when people take off their wedding rings to go to a Christmas party. I do not understand when colleagues are all sitting around laughing, actively going against company policy, and judging me for not. I have learnt that personality is definately preferred within teams, rather than work ethic. Not great for us autistics. It is fair to say that while I did my best to do my job, be good, and work hard, it came at a social cost. I even got told by one colleague that he doesn’t like people who pretend to be different things – after I explained that I am a different person outside of work and it would be nice to be given a chance to be liked inside work: but that groups, and loud noises, inside jokes, banter, side looks, social politics, were all so difficult for me as an autistic person. The rules I did know, though, were policies and procedures – those I understood and, of course, gave me comfort. It was heartbreaking to literally watch people walk away when they saw me coming after joyfully chatting with each other, (I recognise the majority were men once they realised I was not sexually available – but again, that is another post); it hurt deeply, especially when I didn’t understand what I had done. I thought I was nice, tried to chat, tried to be funny (when appropriate), tried to mirror those who were accepted, did my job, and did my best. But I think awkwardness and following the rules are not qualities that are likeable to neurotypicals. I felt I couldn’t win. I know, again, as an autistic person, you are nodding and recognising these experiences as your own. I know because I hear it so often, and I help undo the damage of a lifetime of these experiences in employment.
And so, what is the answer?
A diagnosis or self-identification gives people great comfort (after the processing of the realisation, as I know it comes with a complexity of understanding and emotional processing of course) and confidence to be themselves, to understand themselves, and to maintain a self-assured protective barrier from the misjudgement and bullying of others. It really does help, to say, hang on. I need some time. I need to think. I don’t have to talk to you actually. I donl;t have to do a social dance for your approval. It is ok for me to sit on my own. It is ok for me to say no. It is ok for me to not like that you are breaking the rules, you are acting unprofessionally, you are cheating on your life partner, and this is not me. I have a strong sense of justice. I get nervous. I need time to compress and reflect. The lights and sounds are driving me mad, your voice is too loud, and I don’t actually believe what you are saying because I have now learnt that I trust easily and not everyone is honest and trustworthy. Having the knowledge that we communicate, process and think differently gives us such great power and, hopefully, a great sense of relief and confidence. I’m not saying it means it is then a breeze, but it does help us to realise that it is not us, and actually, maybe the masses are wrong.
I am hoping that it is also time, time to push for the world to change and essentially become more aware of differences and provide safer spaces for these differences to exist. That ‘mainstream’ employment is being expanded to include different jobs, advocating for self-employment, and independent businesses which cater to individual creativity and personal passions. That workplaces are going to be challenged for their bullying environments and predatory behaviours. Some of this movement, I’m afraid, is also going to come from us, saying this is no longer ok and, in fact, it is traumatic. Enough.
I think there is a piece of research into the experiences of late-diagnosed autistic people and employment and its effects. Watch this space.
Never mind being an ADHD person in the workplace, who in my experience are much more socially accepted, but much more susceptible to burnout and internalised shame around the effect of their ADHD symptoms. I’ll tackle this in another blog soon.
Please feel free to share this little musing so we can reach other autistics trying to navigate the working world, and share your own experiences so we can all better understand each other and ourselves.
Be safe out there.
Jade
References
Camus, L., Macmillan, K., Rajendran, G., & Stewart, M. W. (2022). “I too, need to belong”: Autistic adults’ perspectives on misunderstandings and well-being. https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/5mysh
Cooper, A.-A., & Mujtaba, B. G. (2022). Assessment of workplace discrimination against individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). SocioEconomic Challenges, 6(2), 19–28. https://doi.org/10.21272/sec.6(2).19-28.2022
Crompton, C. J., DeBrabander, K., Heasman, B., Milton, D., & Sasson, N. J. (2021). Double empathy: Why autistic people are often misunderstood. Frontiers for Young Minds, 9. https://doi.org/10.3389/frym.2021.554875
Minot, D. (2021, June 25). Doin’ It My Autistic Way: Why Being Self-Employed Was the Logical Solution for Me. Autism Spectrum News. https://autismspectrumnews.org/doin-it-my-autistic-way-why-being-self-employed-was-the-logical-solution-for-me/
Palmer, M. (2024, May 12). Why Many Autistic People See Self-Employment as Their Only Option. Linkedin.com. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-many-autistic-people-see-self-employment-only-option-mark-palmer-y6wre
Pryke-Hobbes, A., Davies, B., Heasman, B., Livesey, A., Walker, A., Pellicano, E., & Remington, A. (2023). The workplace masking experiences of autistic, non-autistic neurodivergent and neurotypical adults in the UK. ProQuest, 18(9), e0290001. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0290001
Romualdez, A. M., Heasman, B., Walker, Z., Davies, J., & Remington, A. (2021). “People might understand me better”: Diagnostic disclosure experiences of autistic individuals in the workplace. Autism in Adulthood, 3(2). https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0063
Steward, R. (2021). The autism-friendly guide to self-employment. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Taylor, M. (2021). Do we have to work? : A primer for the 21st century. Thames & Hudson.
Thorpe, D., McKinlay, M., Richards, J., Sang, K., & Stewart, M. E. (2024). The lived experience of autistic adults in employment: A systematic search and synthesis. Autism in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2022.0114
Comments