As I hobble the walk to my office, I partly laugh and grimace simultaneously. ADHD is literally a pain.
Yesterday because I filled up my jug with boiling hot water ready to make my matcha between sessions, I continued to hold it as I messed around with the freezer compartment in my fridge – completely unnecessarily of course. But doing so meant I spilt boiling water onto my hand. Naturally, I flinched and continued to spill water on my hand like a comedy sketch of flinch and pour. The result was trying to sit in a session with burns. Of course, I finished making my matcha before tending to my burns. I kid you not. But you know – task hyperfocus.
Bear in mind that I had created a skin-picking crater in my thumb on the other hand. Right in the area you use to do EVERYTHING. So it’s painful to use my phone, write, use keys, and touch pretty much everything. Using fidgets even meant – so, this is fun, with immediate Ouch! So there I was yesterday, with two hands in pain. Why? Because skin picking for me is stimming. I pick in sessions if I forget to grab a fidget and it helps my ADHD stay focused and listen intensely. It also helps me process emotions and helps with boredom – not in sessions, of course, but if I am sitting on the couch trying to watch a movie and I’ve eaten all my snacks, and my interest is waning - skin picking comes out to play with full force. But it can also cause quite a lot of disruption as a consequence. Feels good at the time, but not after. And the healing process means uneven skin – more picking opportunities.
So last night it was a shower with one hand due to scolds, travelling with my hand out of the window to get cold air while also constantly ‘’owing’ at the open creator in my thumb. Sigh.
So, the hobbling to work? Well, getting up this morning, grabbing EVERYTHING I can to come downstairs – because of course having ADHD means I do not want to do that task twice – so naturally, I now have FAR TOO MUCH stuff in my hands – that would realistically require three trips. I only then try to do three tasks while holding all the stuff, like go to the toilet, check my phone and not step on the cat, only to have my computer fall on my toe. So now we have a scolded hand, a healing thumb and an open gash and bruising on my toe… That’s three appendages now in pain.
I go to make my morning drink and stand there, bleeding, ouching at what I touch and thinking – damn you ADHD! Because I would love to say that this is not a daily occurrence, but the mishaps absolutely are. But not often I have three very painful ones at the same time that actually limit me.
Now, if you’ve worked with me, you know a huge part of my work is the acceptance of self and looking at and undoing the conditions and messages we have learnt throughout our life because we are different. I had the classic ADHD judgements – lazy, crazy, dramatic, attention seeking. The same as most others, unfortunately – truly awful, so much damage was caused, and there was a lot of pain to work through. And yes, I have done the work to be patient with who I am and how I work, and I mostly I embrace my childlike, spontaneous and flighty self. I challenge my inner critic and try to soothe past hurt when it creeps up – as it will, and I embrace my needs and assert my boundaries – but make no mistake – ADHD (and being autistic – but that is another post) is bloody hard work sometimes!
Off I hobble –
Be safe out there.
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